Devastation and Heartbreak

Yesterday was horrible.

Amongst other things, I found out on my way home for what was supposed to be an excitingly busy Friday night, I found out my dog, Malcolm had died.

My Baby Loved Baskets

I cried the whole way home.  Those terrible, pathetic, desperate sobs you make when you lose someone you’ve loved unequivocally.  I was thankful for those 20 minutes alone on the road to sound like a choking goose being chased by a bear in panic.  It was good to be alone and not feel like I had to hold back or to feel like I was being silly, or like I needed to comfort my family who, too, were devastated.  He’s the reason my mom has a magnet on her car that says, “I love my Granddoggies.”

I was supposed to be throwing a Baby Shower for my dear friend Grit McGrit today.  I was panicking yesterday because I didn’t know what to do.  I knew I didn’t have the mindset to get everything together and be cheerful tomorrow.  I knew I would randomly burst into tears, or people would notice I wasn’t my usual cheerful self and I would have to explain what happened.  But, I was worried.  Grit and her family aren’t pet people.  It’s not their thing.  I was scared she wouldn’t understand.

But, I called her.  For two reasons.  Throwing the shower today would not have been fair to me, I was heart broken and pathetic.  Also, it wouldn’t have been fair to her.  She deserves the best, and a half-prepared shower with a wimpering hostess would take away from that.  It would also take the spotlight off her and her baby girl.  That would have been even more upsetting, and I was feeling guilty enough already.

I called her and tried not to cry again (it didn’t work).  I kept saying, I know you don’t understand, or think it’s silly, because he’s just a dog, but I can’t, I just can’t.  So, we’ve postponed it.  This morning, I woke up to a follow-up Facebook Message about the shower:

“I know I got with some of you via text, but just wanted to confirm to everyone that the baby shower scheduled for tomorrow has been postponed. The host had an unforseen circumstance arise, please pray comfort and peace to her and her family.”

Simple, and touching.  I am not particularly religious, but she is.  This is what she does for friends and family when there is nothing else to be done to make them feel better except wait and pray.  I cried when I read it because she and her family may not understand what it means to lose a dog you loved, but they do understand what devastation is.  Thank you, Grit.

Though I am not particularly religious, I do believe that there is a heaven saved for creatures who spend their time on Earth learning to love one another.  And, I know Malcolm is there.  I know because he was perfect.  There nothing silly about unconditional love, even if it is for a dog, or parakeet, or gold fish.  Loveing someone or something with all your heart is a divine act and everyone can understand that.  It brings us closer to heaven.

These were the last photos I took of him.  I was going to blog about it, because I found this completely inappropriate dog toy at PetSmart:

It Squeaks. TMI.

I pulled the sticker off and gave the toy to Malcolm and, as always, he loved it.  I couldn’t get a good picture of him with it:

I love my Monkey Pirate!
Please back away from the Pirate Monkey.

He finally calmed down, and I was able to snap this picture of him when he wasn’t looking by tilting the camera in a non-obvious way.

He is perfect.

UPDATED: I did something I don’t normally do.  I posted this to Facebook.  I’m not usually the kind of person who puts such personal life-events on Facebook, but I did.  I want everyone to know, that every time my phone buzzes with a notification from Facebook, I cry a little.  In a good way.  I haven’t read them yet, because I’m still an emotional mess, but thank you for understanding.

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