Ugh. How terrible is that? That I genuinely have a “relationship” with food. We, as privileged Americans have been blessed not to have to worry about hunger like others. However, we have the other end of the spectrum, we have to worry about developing a mental and emotional attachment to FOOD!
Previously, I was terrible about that. I would eat until I couldn’t breathe. That is so wrong. But a few weeks ago, I had a bit of a revelation and it has changed everything!
First, let me set the scene. I have been unhappy in my job for a long time. It’s not the right fit for me and damn near every aspect of it is frustrating and stressful. I had become accustomed to being miserable and angry all the time. A few months ago some of the tension eased due to some changes in business. Suddenly I was mildly happy again! It was wonderful. The Boy and I fought less and made the boom boom more, so things were getting better. However, that quickly ended at work and things went back to normal.
I realized that I had just become so used to being completely infuriated 8 hours a day, and that is not a healthy way to live. Not only that, but I saw how it was rolling over into my home life and marriage. I was not about to let that continue.
So, an opportunity opened up at work that would actually give me better hours, so I could be home earlier on weekdays AND have weekends off. Meaning more time with The Boy. The perks kept coming because I was also able to get a raise and have a less stressful job (no more being responsible for doing other departments’ jobs because they were too incompetent to do so themselves!) A few weeks ago, during the interview I worried and stressed myself sick, as can happen to me.
I spent nearly that entire week sick to my stomach and unable to eat much without having terrible stomach pains. So, by the nature of having a stomach illness, my appetite shrank. Once I was feeling better, I was determined to keep my appetite small so I can be healthy again.
This is where the revelation came. Suddenly, I was eating probably 1/10th of the food I used to eat. It’s not that I was over-eating that much, but rather that I was now eating so little. After a few days of doing this I realized that not only was I satisfied, but that the way I thought about food when ordering or preparing dinner had drastically changed.
Going into a mean knowing I wouldn’t be able to eat it all, suddenly made me see it differently. I was able to eat a few bites, and leave the rest without caring that it wasn’t eaten. Even some of my favorite dishes I was able to have a small bit and feel satisfied. Those little tugs I used to have that lead me to pick at my favorite foods bite by bite even after I was full or finished eating weren’t there. Once I was done eating, I was able to move on and focus my energy elsewhere.
It’s a beautiful thing. Ilove food, and I still do. But, lately, I’ve been able to love food, and my experience in eating it without gorging myself. It’s probably the best feeling I’ve had in a very long time. Whether I lose weight or not because of this change matters less right now because I feel happy and comfortable with myself and how I eat. It’s a good thing.
Another surprising bonus, I feel hungry less, so I don’t have snack attacks like I used to. AND I have more energy. That’s right, MORE. I eat so much less, my body isn’t spending all day processing the food I’m shoving in it! The little things I used to avoid doing because I was so lazy don’t bug me anymore. I don’t have those same feelings. I am sure that’s a combination of the food and the emotional balance!
For the first time in a very long time, I feel comfortable with myself, even though I am still overweight. It’s like starting new and I am so excited!