HotMess Martha

I get a frequent amount of comments on the fact that I didn’t change my name when I got married.  I just don’t understand why it’s assumed that I have to.  Does it really matter that much?

It’s a tradition, I get that, but there are a lot of traditions The Boy an I don’t follow, yet that seems to be the one that peeves people.

I have a great family history.  Both sides of my family is full of rich stories and heritage that I am proud of.  Also, I have a very unique name, Czaja Silvasi.  It works, it’s part of me.  My name has always been part of me.  It’s my identity.  Just because I got married doesn’t mean I should be required to give it up.  I mean, if that were the case, I would have refused to marry The Boy and we would have just spent the rest of our lives living in blissful sin.  (For the record, that was my plan, but he wanted to get married.  It took a war to make me realize that this was ok and agree to marry him.)

So, to answer your most common questions, I will now just send this link when we get into a conversation about my last name not being the same as his last name.

1. Why? See above: family history, identity, etc.

2. What does your husband say about it? He’s fine with it. Obviously.  More than that, who cares what he says about it?  It’s my name.

3. Why can’t you just hyphenate? I don’t want to. Also, I will be more than happy to hyphenate as soon as he does.  If I am going to hyphenate for the sake of us sharing a name, we should both share the same name.  Otherwise, it’s a useless endeavor.

4. Did your mom take your dad’s last name? Yes. I don’t ever really understand how this is a factor.  My mother’s life at the point of marriage to my father was VERY different from my life when I decided to marry The Boy.  You can’t compare the two.  Different times and different people.  But, yes, for the record, she supports it.  So does my father.  So does The Boy’s family.

5. What will you do when you have kids? First off, who says we’re having kids?  I don’t like kids.  Plus, I have a lot of living to do before I even considering slowing down to care for a family.  But, if The Boy and I decide we want to have children, we can hyphenate and they can choose when they’re old enough.  (For the record, my last name will be first, because if his last name were first their initials would be B.S.)  The Boy and I will both instill pride in their family histories, so they will be filled with connections to all these people that came before them.  They can pick their own name, or embrace both.  It’s really up to them, just as this is up to me.

So, thank you for your concern.  I understand that it seems as though I am completely destroying the family structure, but I assure you, it’s just the opposite, I am making it stronger.

On a slightly less polite note: It’s my choice.  The Boy is fine with it, my family is fine with it, his family is fine with it.  We’re all cool with my devotion to my familial identity and I don’t think I need to justify it to anyone, especially people not directly impacted by this choice.

But, again, thank you for your concern.  If your questions are legitimately based on understanding the reasons so you can apply them to your own life or your own choice, fire away.  If you’re just being a snobby sexist fan of tradition, please take it elsewhere. Gracias.

UPDATE:  I found this article thanks to Facebook.  It kind of highlights my points on a broader scale.  This woman points out the flaws in the logic that only women should change their identities for family.  This idea just prolongs the idea that all familial work falls on the woman, and is one of the primary factors in my decision not to have children.   I usually say, “I know I’ll change my  mind some day,” but I’m not 100% sure that’s true anymore.  It’s not just that I don’t really get or like kids, but it’s also that I’m not yet willing to drop everything I am for another human being.  It’s not selfish, it’s honest.  If more parents thought about that part of bringing a child into the world, then perhaps we wouldn’t have so many bad parents.  I’d rather be a person who didn’t have kids because I wasn’t ready to give everything up to be a mom, than to be a mom who didn’t give everything up for her kids.  Just sayin.

Check out the article, you’ll dig it.

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